October 6, 2022

Breaking news from the satire desk.

If you weren’t a fan of choosing between a high price tag or a service subscription to play DLC for Nintendo’s 2014 hit, Mario Kart 8, you probably won’t be any happier about subscribers playing as Bullet Bill, the self-steering collateral damage machine some say inspired Tesla.

“Hit the track as the old-school baddy that literally can’t be beat,” reported Nintendo in an announcement titled Bullet Bill Bursts Balloons and Blasts Butts. The press release carefully pointed out players aren’t being hit with a mandatory Bill bill, the feature is strictly an “optional bullet bonus.” Bullet Bill will still be able to activate a Bullet Bill power-up, transforming into the higher-caliber Bullet Buigi.

The announcement raised a number of causes for concern. One journalist compared the move to playing Lego Star Wars as a brick separator.

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Online players with conflicting Bills can apparently resolve races using item boxes costing 50 Nintendo Points each, more closely resembling the online play in the somehow superior Mario Kart Tour for iOS and Android devices.

Players are increasingly worried about the direction Nintendo is headed since first announcing the subscription service on top of a subscription service required to play a free emulator.

“What’s next?” tweeted GoombaWumba, a new content creator and streamer. “Are they going to ask for some of my Twitch revenue too?”

To address fans, Nintendo released a short statement in its website.

“We hear the players loud and clear: Bullet Bill doesn’t traditionally use the kart, wheels, or gliders they worked so hard to unlock, so be on the lookout for exclusive collectible items for Bill to use shortly after his debut.”

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Reached for comment, a spokesperson directed unhappy customers to the company’s upcoming “Dophin Deluxe” subscription tier which will offer a set of Game Genie-style features for both on and offline play.

Frustrated racers should be on the lookout for the next subscription racer, Spiny Blue Koopa Troopa.


Stay tuned for more industry executive thought leadership from the satire desk.

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