Memorable Jobs I Did Not Get

On failing a personality test at Pizza Hut and other troubling stories

I’m fortunate to pursue work I believe in these days. If you’ve ever been in a situation where you just need any job as soon as possible, however, then you would understand how I lived for the first half of my life. When I was willing to do anything, I was frequently surprised by everything I was not allowed to do.

Here are some of the many jobs I was apparently not cut out for.

Taco Bell

We’re certainly coming right out of the gate with the saddest, most confusing story. Taco Bell was super close to my house as a teenager. I personally knew some very unimpressive people who were thriving there, and I wanted to be one of them.

No can do. Despite the building being plastered inside and out with “Now Hiring, All Shifts” signs (some permanent), filling out an application didn’t result in so much as a phone call. Ever. No interview, no little uniform visor, no discounted tacos.

It was probably for my own good. Later stints at both Wendy’s and Cracker Barrel proved that no amount of exposure to a restaurant’s food decreases my appetite for it, and I would have surely succumbed to taco poisoning before age 20.

Slackers CDs and Games

This chain is regionally scattered throughout the Greater St. Louis area, but the name says it all. It’s the destination of choice for St. Louisans who pride themselves on geekiness or exceptional coolness and almost no one in between.

I took a run at several video game stores, knowing at an early age that I wanted to get involved with the industry, but Slackers hurt the most. I didn’t really care whether I got to work there or not, but the application at Slackers was the most heavily focused on gaming and musical taste, so it stung when I didn’t raise any interest. I knew gaming inside out. I was raised on music my friends were all buying right there at Slackers (I was too broke to shop there). I was already a performing musician familiar with everything from classical and jazz to Ben Folds and Rage Against The Machine.

No call, no interest. It felt like a reversal of Charlie Chaplin’s old quote. They would never admit the kind of member who would want to join their club.

I got a similar vibe from GameStop. Too much enthusiasm. I couldn’t hide it.

Pizza Hut

If anything can top the Taco Bell story like it was a bland personal-pan pizza, it was the time I did two rounds of interviews at my local Pizza Hut seeking any position on any shift. One of my closest friends took the application and did my first interview personally. Everything seemed to be looking great.

The second round involved a written personality test. Yes, that seems weird to me too, but I’ve Googled around to make sure this wasn’t some sort of fever dream, and it doesn’t seem to be totally outside the realm of possibility for the restaurant.

What’s worse is that I must have failed it. I confirmed with my buddy that he didn’t tank my chances as some sort of financial sack-tap Jackass-style goof, and when he assured me he needed my help on the team and didn’t know what happened, that only left the Pizzachology test to blame. While I don’t remember many of the questions I answered, I will say I’ve been unflinchingly honest on every personality assessment I’ve ever taken, and I’ve always been irritated to be handed one. Who are you to demand to know what I’d do with a large pepperoni pie that was headed for the dumpster?

Group interview for convention center janitors

I worked in nothing but dish rooms and kitchens for my first couple of years in the workforce and absolutely hated it. About the time I left my buffet dish job where they routinely had to break up fights and kick people out for smoking in the kitchen, I started trying to get creative by applying to hotels, convention centers, and at least one Christmas tree farm. My local (small) convention center did call me for an interview, but called three or four other candidates as well.

I had never been involved in a group interview before this day, and never again since. Short of trying to repel a sudden foreign invasion with the help of every man, woman, and child, I don’t know why this recruitment method exists. Three employees interviewed four or five of us and spent an amount of time on it that would have easily justified speaking to us one at a time. I was young and eager to please, so I dressed nice, answered questions with enthusiasm, and acted like the whole thing wasn’t uniquely bizarre.

Worse, there was very little opportunity to stand out. The majority of the questions were head-nodders. “We’re looking for motivated applicants who can be here when they’re scheduled.” No shit. You can’t say “no shit” back to them, so you smile and nod. “Sure. No problem.” Problem means shit.

At one point, a woman described a scenario where, while moving folding chairs before a ceremony, let’s say you notice there’s a long scuff mark on the wall. “We’re looking for applicants who would take it upon themselves to clean that mark without being asked.”

I hesitated, thinking there was no way they needed reassurance on that. They stopped. The applicants just sat there.

“Sure,” I said. “No problem.”

They actually called back to say I didn’t get the job.

Friends, this doesn’t even bring us all the way to college graduation. There are whole themed lists I could do about game industry jobs, freelance writing gigs, and more.

I’m sure I can’t be the only person with ridiculous stories like this. Tell me yours.