As a Great Lover of Cults, Elon Musk’s Twitter Could Really Streamline My Life

By now, you probably know that Elon Musk has set out to take over the world’s microblogging platform of choice. Many so-called “experts” seem to think this takeover would be a total disaster, but I don’t think they’re considering how perfect that disaster would be for me, an unwavering proponent of megacults.

Being the cult-thusiast that I am, I need a devout family of fellow believers to replace the real family I haven’t spoken to since that whole “Amway ordeal.” This is a real strength of Twitter, where they’ve invested untold amounts of money into an elegant system that decides who I see and interact with every day. And just like the old Amwayfam, Twitter obsesses over monetizing my presence and anyone I can convince to join me in a way that makes me feel right at home. 

But if Twitter really wants my unquestioning loyalty, it needs a leader who unironically believes his unique traits entitle him to the world and then some. Who better than the self-proclaimed “technoking” himself? As someone who needs more hope than reality can provide, I’m hitching my wagon to anyone who believes it’s time for mankind to go live up in the sky as he personally takes over the power of the sun. The thought of it gives me chills!

While I wait for my celestial Lyft driver, I’m going to need a complex, constantly-evolving code of conduct for my personal life. While the supreme electrowizard is tied up in meetings and podcast recordings, I find myself drawn to Twitter’s lofty comments about its principles. To label our actions “healthy” or “toxic” and punish offenders arbitrarily with no oversight is exactly what I’m looking for in a corporate entity no more human than a toaster oven. Sure, most of us agree with their values for the moment, but think of the potential to deliver that system into the wrong hands–nudge nudge!

Speaking of turns for the worse: as a habitual cult believer, I truly thrive under constant uncertainty about the end of the world. Twitter’s PR-speak about stronger communities leaves me cold. But ohhh Spacelord Musk…This is a man who warned us that artificial intelligence could doom us all, then devoted unlimited funding and resources toward creating it himself. That’s exactly the kind of stimulation I need to stay awake at night. 

If that doesn’t do it for you, don’t forget his minions are probably testing code against monkey brains using their proprietary interface as we speak. Call me sentimental, but the possibility of a near future in which self-aware robots control software in our brains as a condition of our continued existence as a species is why I’m a serial cultist in the first place. 

Finally, I want to be sure things are going to get nuts in a hurry when the government inevitably steps in. Sure, I’m impressed that platforms like Twitter seem to make the entire government uneasy without apparently ever wandering far enough for officials to do anything about it, but it wasn’t until I saw the company backed into a corner and immediately start the “poison pill” talk that I was truly sold on the bird herd. Twitter ran for the corporate Kool-Aid so quickly I started to suspect it shares my deep-seated need for instability. These are the people to get surrounded by the feds with! 

As you can see, Twitter plus Elon equals my new path to enlightenment. At a time when I’ve been formally asked to attend no further tour dates for Taylor Swift or the Insane Clown Posse, I’m encouraged by the prospect of joining a new congregation assembled before the Muskfather’s birdthrone. May his sentient autojudges guide our path to the stars!

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