September 25, 2022

Dyson is apparently collapsing under the weight of its own genius.

The Dyson Zone is a pair of noise canceling headphones that attempts to suck air in through the earpiece, purify it, and blow it back into your face. It apparently doesn’t make actual contact with your mouth or nose, it just blows at you.

It looks like something you would put on a 10-year-old to catch his screams and divert them back into his own ears. I have never attempted to do a thing like that, nor would I endorse it, but this design alone makes me think maybe I’m not the first person to think of it.

Dyson says they’ve worked for more than half a decade and produced over 500 prototypes for this product. I’ll be as bold as to suggest they keep going, because this looks like they found a gamer headset every adult hated and made them wear two at once.

Everyone likes a Dyson vacuum, but I don’t know if anyone trusts them enough to suck on one. This thing looks like you’re being spit up by a generic robot.

Dyson emphasized that we’re reapproaching “or exceeding” pre-pandemic levels of air pollution. If you thought, “there’s no way that’s an actual, widespread issue yet,” like I did, you’d be right. It’s apparently an industrial issue currently exclusive to China.

Nearly everyone who sees this seems to hate it. med-tech experts are concerned about increased viral transmission in crowded areas. I’m concerned that it makes you look like a child pretending to be an air traffic controller.

I’ll admit that I’m a little upset that Apple didn’t care about us enough to figure this out for the AirPods Max. I mean, I’m thrilled with the music and call quality, but if I’m continuously breathing in all of this dust and Covid, I’ll be lucky to live for another 10 iPhones.

There’s a sign-up form at Dyson’s website if you want to be the first to look like you work in a customer service call center for complaints about Optimus Prime.

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