Pat Robertson Needs Your Donations More Than Ever

The 700 Club founder has big plans for the afterlife, and only your continued financial support will make them possible…

Welcome back, faithful. By now, you’ve heard the news that Pat Robertson has “left the network.” But, praise be, he left us very specific notes for a farewell telethon complete with detailed plans telling how you can support his expansion into the great beyond.

Tier 1: Construction Crusaders

The first 10,000 viewers to call our phone lines and pledge your gift of $100 or more will be part of the special team that build’s Pat’s eternal home.

Folks, you should see these floorplans he was working on. Others can keep their streets of gold; Pat has his eye on a kitchen of diamond, a tennis court of platinum, and a ten-foot wall around the property to keep out undesirables. He was…quite explicit on that last point.

Tier 2: Broadcast Battalion

What if you could help broadcast Pat Robertson’s message to the lost straight to the Lake of Fire?

If it’s not already playing there, the first 15,000 callers to pledge their gift of $500 or more will join Pat’s mission to build the very first network TV studio in the center of Hell itself.

Your donation will cover the construction of the TV studio as well as contract packages for an all-star team of televangelists in the area.

Tier 3: Payoff Pals

With your ongoing monthly support, you can contribute to the personal safety of Pat Robertson himself, wherever he ends up.

Pat was not unaware that, for whatever reason, people from all walks of life have mysterious resentment toward him. We’ve been instructed to set up this special opportunity for you, God’s faithful viewers, to provide a stream of cash like mana from Heaven that Pat can actually use in Heaven (or, let’s face it, wherever) to hire personal security, fly a private jet if that’s a thing up there, and make small financial settlements for any unresolved issues as they arise.

If (by some cruel twist of fate) St. Peter himself does not turn out to be a conservative white American, your tax-deductible contribution may be all that wedges open the pearly gates.

Today Only: Volunteer to go in Pat’s place

Look, we’re still pinning down the details on this one, but in response to a rising panic at the network, we’re looking for any and all volunteers to initiate some kind of “take me instead” situation, or any scholars aware of how we might be able to set that up.

We’re not sure what kind of person or how many it would take to satisfy that kind of trade, but phone lines are open, and we feel like Pat would want you to really pray about this.

After the break, an exciting sale on Pat Robertson’s age-defying protein shake. The programming is on an automated schedule and no one knows how to stop it.

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