10 Infractions I Hope to Commit in The New Crazy Taxi

If you see a driver pulling any of these stunts, roll up and say hi.

By now, you’ve probably heard Crazy Taxi will soon make its long-awaited return. It’s rumored to be an open-map MMO game, no doubt including flashy graphics, cutting-edge physics, and loads of new mechanics designed to keep us tethered to the console.

Me? I’m hoping to use it as an excuse to commit traffic-based atrocities. Here’s what to watch out for the moment I get behind the imaginary wheel.

Using a fast food drive-through in reverse

Just once I’d like a passenger to answer directly to the order taker for not being ready when we get to the speaker. Although, as I’m sitting here thinking about it, I don’t love the idea of being able to see the person behind us judging our order.

Parking in a car wash and just leaving

Sometimes I’m in the mood for covered parking and a quick car bath. This feels like the perfect crime because, as you know if you’ve ever had something go wrong at the car wash, anyone who can actually help resolve the problem seems to be in another state or perhaps on another planet entirely.

Picking up a rider and asking them about Jesus Christ

Where to, ma’am? The grocery store? Certainly. Right away. You know who else left the comfort of their home with important errands to do?

Fair enough, I won’t bother you on the way…

…just hate to think of you spending eternity with the devil if we had fifteen minutes together on the ride over anyway.

Parking in front of people’s houses for no reason, but it’s a public street so they can’t really do anything about it

Yes, hello. Oh no, I’m just going down the street. What’s that? Well, I don’t see a no-parking sign. Yes, I suppose my tire is in your grass a little bit. I guess you could call that in if you wanted. I’d be surprised if the police would come out for that. They’d probably give me a warning at worst, and they probably wouldn’t take your next call very seriously. See you in 22 hours!

Popping basketballs that I probably could have avoided

You kids shouldn’t be playing next to the street like this anyway. I understand I’m the only car in either lane for miles, but I’m not going to veer into the oncoming or slam the brakes and put my neck on the line because you bricked from the free-throw line. Go ahead and tell your dad. Tell him you threw a ball into the street. Your move, eleven-year-old.

Refusing to go around the mail truck

He’s probably not stopping at every one of these houses. Everyone just chill out. The oncoming cars are spaced out a little weird. We’ll all get where we’re going. What if he pops out of that non-door on the side? I’ll never see it coming in time. What am I supposed to do, veer two feet further out of the lane? Why don’t you pull around all of us. Good luck with that while I’m riding the line as if I’m about to go around at a moment’s notice. I won’t, though.

Installing a school bus stop sign on a regular car

What’s this? I’m stopping in traffic, and a little stop sign has popped out. Is this official? Does it apply to you? No one’s getting in or out of the car, but on the other hand, I’ve clearly done the work to install the light-up sign and control it from inside the vehicle. No one would do that for no reason, right? That would be bananas.

Driving with a temporary tag forever

I want to join the ranks of the masses clearly never making any trips to the DMV at all. I want a temp tag that’s been on so long it’s been faded by the sun and I’ve had to masking tape the home office paper it was printed on. I’ve already said too much. I’m too scared to do this in real life, but I sort of doubt the video game city is going to have the infrastructure to keep up with this kind of thing. Although it doesn’t seem like my real city does, either.

Misleading a parade

I have this theory that, if you put on your hazard lights and got in between the first few cars once they got spaced out, you could probably take a parade just about anywhere. I don’t see what good it does to just carry on about homecoming pride to other people from your hometown, get on I-34 West and let passersby know you’ve really got spirit. Buckle up, Junior Miss Town Hall.

Honking at a red light to see if I can get someone to gun it without looking

No reason you shouldn’t skip that podcast ad for Loose Slots Casino for iPhone for the 43rd time in 30 minutes since you’re stopped anyway. While you’re at it, did you ever get a text back about dinner? 27%?! Where the hell did that charger plug go. I think it’s between the sea — HEY MOVE GREEN LIGHT.

I’m just kidding. Good luck though, now you’re in the intersection and no one else is paying any attention either.

In conclusion: If anyone gets pulled over for a temp tag in an early demo or anything, please warn me right away. I’d be so upset if I got caught for it.