Don’t put down your sandwich, I just have a very simple request.
Knock knock! Do you have a minute? Hello? Oh, I see. Goodness, this AirPod could use a sanitary wipe! I’ll just put this canal-side-down on your keyboard for you.
Anyway, hello! I’m Bev. I work over in Customer Service Land. That’s our silly name for it. It’s mostly just me and Judy. I know you all have a process in place for accepting New Feature Requests. I did stop by your manager Dave’s office, but he wasn’t at his desk. I know stopping at his desk isn’t the process either, but Dave and I go way back, and that’s our little game: I drop by unannounced, and Dave pretends the formal New Feature Request Process is all because of me.
Oh, were you eating your lunch? I’m so sorry. I didn’t even notice. Here you are, minding your business with your earbuds in and wolfing down a Subway Chicken Teriyaki in your seat so you don’t fall behind, and now you’ve got Crazy Bev over here trying to sneak you over a footlong New Feature Request! That’s how it goes around here, isn’t it? I drive miles away to have lunch. You’re not even safe eating in the parking lot. Don’t worry. I don’t need you to start on this a moment before you’re done with those M&M cookies.
Although that sweet onion smell is a bit strong. Maybe you could wrap that back up while we chat.
Do you know the Orders by Department report, and how it has that little dropdown list by the Submit button? How silly of me. Of course you know the one. You created it! This is actually going to be a lot easier if you pull it up in your browser. Would you mind? We can use your Google News tab. How about this new president of ours, huh? Don’t get me started.
So, the Category dropdown list is sorted alphabetically. That works fine. It’s just…it would be nice–since I run this report several times per year–if I could save a certain category at the top so I didn’t have to click or type anything at all before running the report. Do you know what I mean?
I’m afraid I’m not making any sense. Can you pull up Amazon in the next tab? Right here on the home screen is fine. Right next to “Buy Again.” You’re braver than I am. I could never buy underwear from Amazon. How do you know they’ll fit?
But this is exactly what I’m talking about. As soon as you were logged in, Pharmacy was right at the top. I’m guessing that’s where you do most of your shopping, right? And hey, no shame in it! I came in late due to a doctor’s appointment this morning myself. It’s like I told Judy: when you get to be my age, it takes more than an apple a day! She laughed and laughed.
The truth is, this new feature was partially her idea. We should get her over here. Can I use your desk phone? Pardon my reach. Oh. My. Goodness. Is this a photo of your little girl? She is absolutely precious. All dressed up like Easter Sunday. Were you going to church? Do you live with her mother? I’m so sorry. That was a rude assumption. Are you straight or gay?
Yes, Judy it’s me. Me! IT’S ME. No. I’m with the new guy. I’m at his desk. No. The shorter one. Yes, him. He wants to know about the Category dropdown list. The dropdown. Of course we talked about it. He wants to do it for you. Can you come over? Right over in IT with the rest of them. You’ll smell a Subway Chicken Teriyaki when you get close. Judy!
Judy says she trusts my judgment.
So how soon do you think you could get something like this completed? Is there just a setting or a button? I sure could use this later today. I’m glad we’ll be working together. I was here long before all this “process” silliness. I always just came and bugged Mark.
Mark worked here before you, right at this very desk. He just apparently quit one day. It’s a mystery. What happened at your old job?
Anywho, I’m sure you’re hungry. I’ll pull up a chair, you go right ahead and eat up. Pretend I’m not even here until you’re done. Enjoy your…what do you have on the iPhone there, the baseball game? Ugh, can’t believe we let that one slip away in extra innings like that…
Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash
Todd Mitchell is a US Midwest-based comedy writer and game developer with bylines at Weekly Humorist, Fanbyte, Slackjaw, End of the Bench Sports, and more. He’s the author of Inside Video Game Creation, the founder of CodeWritePlay, and host of the GameDev Breakdown podcast. Follow him on Twitter @Mechatodzilla.